All jokes were posted to the NYIrish Mailing
From: Vivian Donahue <email@example.com>
Subject: [NY IRISH] jokes
Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 11:40:35 -0500
"I've Lost Me Luggage"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and
wandered around the terminal with tears
streaming down his cheeks. An airline
employee asked him if he was already
homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've
lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
Subject: [NY IRISH] Irish Jokes
Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 18:13:21 EST
Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, Bless me,
Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want
to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or
later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've
sinned, and you must atone."
He gave Tommy penance and dismissed him.
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean
slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
Tommy said, "Five good leads."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,"where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop,"it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of guinness Stout and
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'
From: "John M Dooley" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Re: [NY IRISH] jokes
Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 17:29:39 -0600
"At a world brewing convention in the States,
of various brewing organisations retired to the bar at
the end of each day's conferencing.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman. "In
'Strailya?, we make the best bloody beer in the world,
so pour me a Fosters,mate."
Rob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next. "In the States,
we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the
king of them all - give me a pint of Bud".
Hans steps up next "In Germany we invented beer. Give
me a Weisen,The REAL King of beers."
Jan, chief executive of Grolsch follows by stating
that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one
with two fingers of head on top.
Patrick, CEO of Guinness, steps forward. "Barman,
give me a coke with ice please".
The other 4 stare at him in stunned silence with
amazement written all over their faces. Eventually
Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness,
Patrick replies "Well, if you bastards aren't
drinking, then neither am I"
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the
brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a
shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a
shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim
to temptation." Then they saw a Catholic
priest enter the brothel, and one of the
Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be quite ill."
"Lost at Sea"
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift
in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through
the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled
across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a
genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp
vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick,
a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three. Without giving much thought
to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening
crash, and immediately the entire sea turned
into the finest brew ever sampled by
mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the
hull broke the stillness as the two men
considered their circumstances. Michael
looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish
had been granted. After a long, tension-filled
moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
An Irish girl went to London to work as
and began sending money and gifts home to her
After a few years, they asked her to come home
a visit as her father was becoming frail and elderly.
pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and
out wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked
the house her father said,
-- they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in
girl took his hands and said, "Dad -- I've been meaning
tell you something for years, but I didn't want
put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer.
become a prostitute."
father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over.
doctor was called, but the old man had clearly lost
will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was
As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction,
the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man
weakly, "I'm a goner -- killed by my own daughter!
by the shame of what you've become!"
forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have
nice things! I wanted to be able to send you
money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a
the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed,
you say prostitute? That was a close one -- I thought you
Subject: [NY IRISH] RE: Laugh If You Want To Be Irish!
Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 21:46:54 EST
was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
What You Get For Erin
There was a Scotsman who once said that the Sons and Daughters of Erin,
the sons and daughters of Afriques and Chinmen, who erred.
No Irish Swimmers
Then there were two Irishmen who bet five pounds on who could stay under
water longest. They both drowned.
Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in
the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance
of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the
top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here
all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just
telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared
Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take
half as long!"
From: "Doreen Powers" <email@example.com>
Subject: [NY IRISH] jokes
Date: Sat, 9 Mar 2002 01:04:13 -0500
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and
was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"
The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning,
addressing his congregation, vehement that alcohol was the
work of the devil.
"As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to
lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from
which would he drink?"
A grizzled old Irishman at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye,
Father, for sure he'd drink from the water."
The priest, elated, said: " Very good, my son. And can you tell
me WHY he'd drink from the water?"
The Irishman at the back of the church replied: "Sure I can tell ye'
why, Father. Because he's an ass."
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