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From: Vivian Donahue <>
        Subject: [NY IRISH] jokes
        Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 11:40:35 -0500

"I've Lost Me Luggage"
               An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and
               wandered around the terminal with tears
               streaming down his cheeks.  An airline
               employee asked him if he was already
               homesick. "No," replied  the Irishman. "I've
               lost all me luggage!"  "How'd that happen?"
               "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

        Subject: [NY IRISH] Irish Jokes
        Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 18:13:21 EST

        Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and  says, Bless me,
        Father, for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose woman."
        The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
        "Yes, Father, it is."
        "And who was the woman you were with?"
        "I can't be tellin' you, Father.  I don't want
        to ruin her reputation."
        "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or
        later, so you may as well tell me now. 
        Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
        "I cannot say."
        Was it Patricia Kelly?"
        "I'll never tell."
        "Was it Liz Shannon?"
        "I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."
        "Was it Cathy Morgan?"
        "My lips are sealed."
        "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
        "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
        The priest sighs in frustration.  "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
        Shaughnessy, and I admire that.  But you've
        sinned, and you must atone."
        He gave Tommy penance and dismissed him.
        Tommy walks back to his pew.  His friend Sean
        slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
        Tommy said, "Five good leads."

         An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
        the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
        over the road. A cop pulls him over.
        "So," says the cop to the driver,"where have ya been?"
        "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
        "Well," says the cop,"it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
        "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
        "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
        his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
        "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
        I'd gone deaf."


        Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
        arrives at her door.
        "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
        "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
        "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident
        down at the Guinness brewery..."
        "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
        "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
        Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
        "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of guinness Stout and
        "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
        "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."


         Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
        and she's in tears.
        He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"
        She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
        last night."
        The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
        any last requests?"
        She says, "That he did, Father..."
        The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
        She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'

From: "John M Dooley" <>
        Subject: Re: [NY IRISH] jokes
        Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 17:29:39 -0600

"At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs 
        of various brewing organisations retired to the bar at 
        the end of each day's conferencing. 

        Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman. "In 
        'Strailya?, we make the best bloody beer in the world, 
        so pour me a Fosters,mate." 

        Rob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next. "In the States, 
        we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the 
        king of them all - give me a pint of Bud". 

        Hans steps up next "In Germany we invented beer. Give 
        me a Weisen,The REAL King of beers." 

        Jan, chief executive of Grolsch follows by stating 
        that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one 
        with two fingers of head on top. 

        Patrick, CEO of Guinness, steps forward. "Barman, 
        give me a coke with ice please". 

        The other 4 stare at him in stunned silence with 
        amazement written all over their faces. Eventually 
        Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, 

        Patrick replies "Well, if you bastards aren't 
        drinking, then neither am I" 


                                    "The Brothel"
         Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer
         and watching the brothel across the street.
         They saw a Baptist minister walk into the
         brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a
         shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
         Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel,
         and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a
         shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim
         to temptation." Then they saw a Catholic
         priest enter the brothel, and one of the
         Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...
         one of the girls must be quite ill."

                            "Lost at Sea"
         Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift
         in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from
         a burning freighter. While rummaging through
         the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled
         across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a
         genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp
         vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick,
         a genie came forth.
         This particular genie, however, stated that
         he could only deliver one wish, not the
         standard three. Without giving much thought
         to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
         "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
         The genie clapped his hands with a deafening
         crash, and immediately the entire sea turned
         into the finest brew ever sampled by
         mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
         Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the
         hull broke the stillness as the two men
         considered their circumstances. Michael
         looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish
         had been granted. After a long, tension-filled
         moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!
         Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."


        An Irish girl went to London to work as 
       a secretary and began sending money and gifts home to her 
       parents. After a few years, they asked her to come home 
       for a visit as her father was becoming frail and elderly. 
       She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and 
       stepped out wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked 
       into the house her father said, 

       "Hmmm -- they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in 

       The girl took his hands and said, "Dad -- I've been meaning 
       to tell you something for years, but I didn't want 
       to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. 
       I've become a prostitute." 

       Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. 

       The doctor was called, but the old man had clearly lost 
       the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was 
       called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, 
       with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man 
       muttered weakly, "I'm a goner -- killed by my own daughter! 
       Killed by the shame of what you've become!" 

       "Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have 
        nice things! I wanted to be able to send you 
        money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a 

       Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, 

       "Did you say prostitute? That was a close one -- I thought you 
       said Protestant!" 

        Subject: [NY IRISH] RE: Laugh If You Want To Be Irish!
        Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 21:46:54 EST

        O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
        slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet 
        running down his leg.
        "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"


        What You Get For Erin

        There was a Scotsman who once said that the Sons and Daughters of Erin, were 
        the sons and daughters of Afriques and Chinmen, who erred. 


        No Irish Swimmers

        Then there were two Irishmen who bet five pounds on who could stay under the
        water longest. They both drowned.


        Irish Thoughts

        Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in
        the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance
        of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the
        top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here
        all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just
        telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared
        Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take
        half as long!"

From: "Doreen Powers" <>
        Subject: [NY IRISH] jokes
        Date: Sat, 9 Mar 2002 01:04:13 -0500

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
        obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

        "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

        "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"

        The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning,
          addressing his congregation, vehement that alcohol was the
          work of the devil.

          "As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to
          lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from
          which would he drink?"

          A grizzled old Irishman at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye,
          Father, for sure he'd drink from the water."

          The priest, elated, said: " Very good, my son. And can you tell
          me WHY he'd drink from the water?"

          The Irishman at the back of the church replied: "Sure I can tell ye'
          why, Father. Because he's an ass."

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